Tag Archive: personal development


How to be Awesome!

Have you ever met someone who was simply awesome?

I believe that no matter what you look like, how much money is in your bank account, where you live, what you drive, or how much education you have, you can be awesome! It’s pretty simple if you follow these three steps:

1. Check the mirror. Take a good long look at yourself in a full length mirror before you leave your house. If you don’t like what you see, don’t change clothes (although that may help) but instead, change your attitude! What is on the inside of you is revealed on the outside of you. There are so many beautiful people who don’t have model shaped bodies, high cheek bones, beautiful eyes, face, and hair. They are just average, normal people who have a great attitude and it shows!

What do you see when you look in the mirror? What does your posture say about how you regard the world? Are you defensive? Does your facial expression reveal bitterness, caution, and fear? What about your choice of clothes? Are you drawing attention to yourself or hiding behind your fashion?

How do you walk? Head up, chin out and with purpose? Or do you shuffle along with your head down like you have no where to go and no one to talk to?

What does your speech reveal about you? Do you curse or bless? Are you mindful of proper grammar or do you flaunt your lack of education? (“What my name is?”)

Making sure your attitude is awesome is as easy as looking in the mirror. Check it out! If your image doesn’t scream awesome – then change it!

2. Assume rapport. Many people walk around concerned about what other people think about them. It makes us nervous to think we are being sized up and judged all the time. What I have discovered is that most of the time, the person is too busy thinking about themselves and wondering what others think about them to be at all concerned with you!

So the fact is, you don’t have to worry about what people think of you – because most likely they aren’t thinking about you at all!

I normally wouldn’t advocate any type of assumption. Assuming things usually makes a mess in relationships. But there is an exception – it is safe and wise to assume rapport. Whom should you assume you have rapport with? Everyone you meet! The entire world, in fact. If you make it a habit of thinking that the person you are speaking with likes you, enjoys your company, and wants to be your friend – then most likely they will! In fact, if you face the world with the same assumed rapport, you find it to be a warm and caring place.

Assuming rapport with the world changes you and how you respond to others. Your demeanor and confidence level will improve. Your energy toward others will get higher and your conversation and expressions will reflect the type of person that anyone would call awesome!

3. Keep reaching forward. Keep growing. I used to grow a considerable amount of house plants. Then somehow my life grew too busy and complicated to proper take care of them, so I downsized! Right now I only have two plants in the house, and both of them are pot-bound. Have you ever seen a plant that had outgrown its pot? It’s not a pretty sight. If you keep a plant in the same pot, year after year, the roots have no where to go and it makes growing and thriving almost impossible for the plant. You can tell right away because the leaves are dull and of course there’s little or no change in the plant.

This is what happens to us when we stop growing. We become dull and lifeless. If you want to be awesome – you must make sure you are always learning, always growing, and always expanding your reach. Awesome people always have something new to talk about, they learn things, they experience new things, and because of this, they are more interesting to others.

As you can see, being awesome is pretty simple. Make sure your attitude is properly expressed on the outside, assume rapport with others, and continue to grow!

Yahoo Answers

I’ve been spending some time on Yahoo Answers. It’s amazing how many hurting, lonely, and confused people are out there. Here are a few sample questions (I left out most of the details from the questions, but posted my entire answer):

Why do I feel so anxious in the mornings?

Why not try changing the way you think about the upcoming day. Instead of dreading it and thinking about how long, boring, and painful it will be – start deciding to think positively about it. Think of each day as an opportunity for something good to happen. The other stuff you are doing (reading, listening to teachers, etc) are just fillers for the day…they are the duty you must fullfill that takes up the time. But the real purpose in the day is to experience life, help someone, love someone, smile, make the world a better place. Look for the opportunities and they will present themselves to you. But if you are focusing only on the drab duty you must fulfill, you will miss all the wonders that life has in store for you. Next time you are in class, take a look around at the faces of your classmates. I’ll bet you more than one of those people are hurting and they are trying their best to not let it show because they think no one cares. Why don’t you be the one to care? You can make a difference if you change your focus.

How can I be more confident?

In the beginning, I don’t think “faking it” is such a bad thing. By faking it, you are self-correcting your behaviors, right? Behavior habits are hard to change sometimes, for example, walking with your head down, slumped shoulders, etc, comes across as a lack of confidence. However, when you intentionally hold your head up, walk with purpose, smile at people, you actually begin to feel more confident. So in that case, even if you are feeling self conscious, act appropriately and it will help you to feel confident as well as cause people to react to you as though you are confident.
Regarding your self conscious thoughts, that is also a habit and habits change by consistent and deliberate repetition. First of all, realize that’s it’s not about you. Get your mind off you and on to others. Instead of thinking “I wonder if they like me,” try thinking, “how can I let them know I like them?”
One effective method to change a habit of negative thinking is to wear a rubber band around your wrist and as soon as you notice you are thinking poorly, snap the band, say “no” out loud, and then replace the thought with a positive one. This engages several input systems to help retrain your mind. 

How can I get over my sadness? 

Some of the best advice I ever received came when my husband of 26 years left me for a younger woman (wow, sounds like such a cliche). We went to a therapist to determine if the marriage could or should be saved, and after hearing both our stories, the therapist told me that my only job is to “be fabulous!” I was sad, but when I started looking at the FACTS, I started focusing on being the best me I could be and realizing that happiness is my responsibility, not any one else, especially my ex-husband.
Emotions are fueled by your thoughts. If you incorporate self discipline to force yourself to think about the positive truths, you will find your emotions will respond positively. Many of our emotions are not based on reality or facts. Learn to tell yourself the truth and the truth will set you free! 

How do I get over my ex – it’s been three years!

I’m sorry for your hurt. One thing to realize is that your ex has a problem that has nothing to do with you. If you were real skinny, he would have offered another reason that he cheated. The fact is, when someone cheats, they aren’t “doing it to you.” You are no where in the equation when he is deciding to cheat. At that point, it’s all about him. Complete selfishness is involved. He didn’t weigh out the decision and say well, this one is skinny and the other isn’t. No matter what excuse a person comes up with to justify cheating, it is still their problem, their lack of morals, their weakness. Even if their partner is a contribution to the issues, a strong, moral person will end a relationship before deciding to cheat. So get it through your head that your body has nothing to do with his lack of character.
As for your current marriage (congratulations!) you need to focus on being grateful for him and turn all your energy into how you can make his life with you perfect. Replace your thoughts about you with thoughts about what turns him on, what makes him smile, what new and creative thing can you do today that will light up his life. Make it all about him. Seduce him with your curves! And when his eyes light up as he is looking at your body, memorize that look and see it every time you look at yourself in the mirror. Then just think, “yeah, my husband loves this!”
Changing how you think is like changing any other habit. It takes consistent work to make a new habit. Don’t give up! Just work it, girl friend! =D
Be the most fabulous you can be!

Why am I so negative?

Wow. There are a lot of contradictions in your question. You acknowledge that you have a good life, but see the down side to everything. You acknowledge that your weight is right for your body type, but you obsess about it, adding “I don’t believe” even though you just stated the fact. You recalled all the people in your life and admitted having an active social life, but you need something to look forward to. You have a good job, but you hate the work week.

What I’m suggesting is that your mind knows all the facts, but somehow you chose to believe or focus on what’s not true instead of what is true.

The obvious answer seems to be simple – stop believing lies and start believing truth. But the reality is that simple is NOT easy. You have made a habit of chosing wrong thoughts. You may need some help in chosing a better habit – positive thinking. It may help you to do some self discovery, for example, you may have adult ADD – always seeking input, getting bored easily, needing activity and stimulation. Or perhaps you just got into a bad habit and need some help getting out of it. Either way, a counselor or life coach can help you if you cannot do it on your own. The positive side is that you acknowledge the problem and really do want to change! That is a huge step.
I wish you the best!

I haven’t had sex in 4 years, what’s wrong with me?

I’m not sure why society has taught women that having casual sex is normal and if you don’t do it, there must be something wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with you. You just haven’t found the right man who is worthy of your love making. Sex is a gift, or at least it used to be until women gave in to the notion that it was a requirement for social acceptance.

You mentioned your ex used to cheat on you “all the time” until you left him – that statement plus the idea you have in your head that something’s wrong with you because you haven’t put out, tells me that you have some self esteem issues. You obviously don’t see yourself as a fantastic human being who deserves love and devotion. You are fantastic. Now, act like it. Be proud of it. Don’t sell out. Don’t cheapen yourself.

Are you bored, anxious, or grumpy?

Do you feel restless? Anxious? Bored? Is there a nagging sensation that there must be more to life? Are you living a pretty normal life, with most of your basic needs met, yet you have some unidentified longing for something else?

According to a famous American psychologist, Abraham Maslow, humans have a set of needs that must be met in order to live a fulfilled life. The needs start out with the most basic (water, food, oxygen), move up to safety needs, then to emotional needs of love and acceptance, and then to needs for esteem (both self esteem and esteem from others). Once we have met all of those needs, we come to a place where we experience our highest need. Maslow called it “self actualization.” It’s a place where we try to figure out why we are here and what is our life purpose. The act of self actualization is to move toward maximizing our fullest potential.

Persons who are self actualizing feel more alive. They experience love, happiness and being a vital part of the world. Those who have not yet reached this stage in life are often edgy, confused, disappointed, depressed, or even grumpy.  I personally believe that the high rate of divorce, alcohol consumption, drug use, and most crimes can ultimately be linked to a great number of people who have not found their sense of purpose in life. For the rest of us who chose to not act out in such extreme ways, it simply means we merely exist. We live in the rat race and hope we can at least finish with a decent retirement. But even the odds of achieving a decent retirement have diminished in the recent months of economic change.

What about you? Are you bored with your life? Do you face each day with the same old, same old “here we go again” attitude?

What can you do to get out of the rut?

First, make sure all your other needs are met. One way to do this is to complete a life wheel assessment. You can use this one :  LIFE WHEEL ASSESSMENT

This exercise will help you identify areas in your life that are not meeting your expectations. Take some time to identify what areas of your life are lacking, then take proactive steps in improving those areas. Remember, this is your life. It’s not up to anyone else to take care of your happiness and level of satisfaction. That’s your job.

While you are working on improving weak areas of your life, take notes on your progress. Notice things about yourself such as talents, gifts, and experiences. For example, what came easily and naturally to you? What activities brought you joy in completing it or energized you in the process? Start looking for moments of joy and soon you will identify your purpose in life. Write down the things you notice about your emotions, your goals, your accomplishments. Your journal notes will begin to unveil your passion. Usually, your passion is linked to your purpose.

There are many things you can do to improve yourself and grow toward self actualization. The most important thing to do is DO SOMETHING! Read books, journal, make to do lists, write down your goals and work on them. The only way to get into a rut is to keep doing the same thing over and over. To get out of the rut, simply do something different! Do it today. Do it now!

For more help and tips on how you can improve your life, check out my book, Cinderella’s Secret.

Name your hats!

Name Your HATS!

 

I used to watch the television show, Seinfeld, all the time! I have several favorite scenes, but one that really resonated with me was when George’s girl friend wanted to be included with Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer. George was uncomfortable with the idea and in his typical overacting way exclaimed, “Worlds are colliding, Jerry! Worlds are colliding!”

I get that! I understand what it’s like when you find yourself having to mesh one existence with another and feeling out of place with both. It seems that we all have multiple personalities or at least, multiple personas. At work, I’m serious and competent. At home I am silly and goofy. I have some friends that I tend to be deep and insightful with and others that I just enjoy the moment with. I even find that I act slightly different with each of my children.

I believe that women who juggle home, career, a spouse, and small children have the most difficult time finding a way to balance out their different modes of being than anyone else!

In our business of coaching and counseling, Mark and I see a very common pattern. Wives complain that their husbands are lazy, don’t take initiative around the house, and are emotionally unavailable. The wives are exhausted and stressed out because they feel they carry the bulk of the responsibility of:

  • caring for the children,
  • taking care of household chores,
  • paying the bills,
  • maintaining relationships both within and without the marriage,
  • keeping a full time job,
  • trying to fit in with the world expectations of her appearance!

Does this sound familiar to you?

After careful review and talking to all these lazy men, we quickly came to a decision. It appears that the women get into one mode and stay there. If my memory serves me correctly (since it’s been a long time since my children were small) I would have to call it “survival mode.” So, what does this mean?

It means that she is stuck in mommy mode, even toward her husband. She finds herself telling him what to do, where to look, how to feel, where to go….and all he hears is nag, nag, nag. But wait, men aren’t off the hook!

The one thing she had right in her initial complaint, men are lazy! It appears that if she is going to think for him, he would just rather let her, its one less thing he has to do. It would take more energy than he is willing to expend to speak up and say, “I’m not one of the children!”

Before they are aware of it, the relationship becomes stuck in a pattern: she nags, he shuts down, she nags more, he withdraws, she’s hurt and withholds, he gets angry and withdraws more, she nags more to get him to respond, etc, etc,

Someone needs to stop the madness! Husbands and wives cannot enjoy a romantic partner relationship if one is wearing the parent hat with the other. So what do we do, ladies? Simple: name your hats!

The best way for us to balance all the roles we play in our lives, is to first acknowledge what they are and what is required of each. To do this, we need to name the roles and create a job description for each. Here’s an example:

WORK HAT

This is my work hat. It is affective only Monday thru Friday until 5:00 pm.This hat does not apply to my children or husband, but rather only those who I work with at my place of employment. My personality is professional while wearing this hat. I do not put on my other hats while I am wearing this one. This hat provides a much needed paycheck, for which I am appreciative.

 WIFE HATE

This is my wife hat. It is effective anytime I am with my husband or speaking to him on the phone. I put on this hat anytime I am apart from him but think about him and our relationships. This is a romantic hat who loves, adores, and respects my husband. I will not use this hat for anyone other than him. When I wear this hat, my personality softens and I strive to make him feel valued and special. I trust my husband when I am wearing this hat. Above all others, this is my most favorite hat!

 MOMMY HAT

 This hat represents me as a mom. I only wear this hat when dealing with my children or making decisions that will affect them. Sometimes I have to wear this hat at the same time I am wearing my wife hat. I will respect both and demonstrate to my children that I interact with my husband differently than I do with them. This will teach them to respect him and not see him as on their same level.

 TEACHER HAT

This is my scholarly hat. Not only do I wear this often in order to continue learning, but I also wear this hat when I am educating others about my needs. When I feel my husband is not contributing to the household administration, I will show him my wants and needs. When my co-workers are not responding to me in a way that best serves the company, I will educate them, respectfully, about my wants and needs. I use this hat often with my children as I instruct them on becoming responsible adults.

 This exercise may seem silly at first glance, but if we will simply take the time to realize that we have different roles to play in life, and each role has its own set of expectations and requirements, then we will be better equipped to interact with our world with the proper responses and attitudes. If we are at work and are aware of the hat we are wearing, we’ll be less likely to engage in any inappropriate behavior which would require a different type of hat.

Don’t forget to include all the other hats you wear when completing this exercise. Here are a few other roles you may want to distinguish from the others:

  • friend
  • supervisor
  • party or social
  • hobby

Once you identify all your hats, get into the habit of being intentional about which one you are wearing. Be mindful of the role of each hat and if you find yourself acting outside that role, determine whether or not you should change hats. If the answer is no, then you should change your action or attitude.

Come out of that closet!

Be honest with me, what do your closets look like? Especially your closet. The one you engage in negotiations with your clothes to determine which ones still fit, which outfit makes your butt look fat, and which ensemble is most appropriate for the occasion. Then there are those conversations with your shoes. Yikes!

Look at the floor of your closet. Where are those argumentative shoes? Are they thrown about in no particular order or are they neatly placed where you can always find the match?

Almost a year ago, my husband, Mark, did something that was probably one of the most loving acts anyone has ever done for me. He organized my closet. Seriously, he not only organized it, he color coordinated everything.  All the clothes were hung according to where they fit in the ascending color scheme. All the whites were together, then yellows, beige, etc. until he rested at the black clothes. It was incredible. To my credit, the closet stayed that way for at least 6 months. That was even more of a miracle than the fact that he took the time to do all that for me!

I noticed something wonderful during those 6 months of complete clothing organization. Getting dressed was noticeably less stressful. It was easier to find things. Of course I still had the issue of whether or not an outfit made me look fat, but on the whole, life in my fashion world was pretty smooth!

That lesson led me on a quest to organize all the closets in my house. There is something very liberating about knowing exactly what is in every closet and knowing where to go when you need a particular item. It’s also nice to know you don’t have to worry that your guests are nosey enough to peek in a closet! In fact, you almost hope they do!

There is a lot to be said about the effects our environment has on our mental health and state of mind. I am so attracted to that satisfying feeling of having my space organized that I’m on a mission to conquer my entire world!

My list of dirty laundry doesn’t stop at just the closets. I also am concerned about a few drawers that have been overcome with so much “junk” that I can barely close them. Honestly, if I have no idea of the contents of those drawers, what’s the use of having it? If I were to need something hiding in the junk drawer, I’d never find it! Or more likely, I wouldn’t even know to look.

Then there are those cabinets over the washer and dryer. What is all this stuff?

Another reason I am well aware of the stress that is caused by disorganization is my experience with the worst room in the house! My office. Wow. I am in need of filing cabinets and bookshelves. In the meantime, there are stacks and stacks of books and papers with no place to call home. If I really need one of those books or documents, it will take me hours to locate it. What a waste of time and energy.

But you know, it’s not just having a place for everything and everything in its place that helps reduce our stress levels. Beauty, continuity, colors and style make a difference too. Mark and I are almost finished redecorating the entire house and it’s beautiful. The colors and decorations are a blend of our personalities – for example, my horse artwork compliments his deer head on the wall! It is hard to believe, but it does.

Being mindful of your environment also helps you to take care of your possessions too. When my car is clean, both inside and out, I tend to drive more carefully. I’m also mindful of the maintenance needs, but most importantly, I feel more gratitude for my car. Having a sense of gratitude is the single most important thing you can do to ensure your success on any level. When you are grateful for the people and things in your life, you attract more of it to you. When you are grateful for your home, you think positively about your home, therefore more of the things that make you grateful come into your life!

I would encourage you to take inventory of your physical environment -

  • What about your car?
  • Are you embarrassed about your closets and drawers?
  • Does your office have documents that need to be filed?
  • Can you find your medicines quickly when needed, in an organized place?
  • Where are all your gardening tools? Can you find what you need, when you need it?
  • Don’t forget your underwear drawer!

Mothers around the world have been warning their children about this concept for years with “wear clean underwear! You might be in an accident!” Like Bill Cosby in his standup routine, I misunderstood! I thought having dirty underwear WAS the accident!

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