Tag Archive: emotions


Practicing What I Preach

Filed Under: Life
Feb.19, 2010

Yesterday, shortly after I wrote the post about dealing with negative emotions, I was presented with the opportunity to practice what I preach. Come to think of it, that happens a lot! You’d think I would learn to only write about easy things…but I’m a sucker for a good learning opportunity.

Anyway, just a few hours after writing that post, I came across some information that produced all sorts of icky feelings. I was mostly angry. I was reminded about someone who not only betrayed me personally, but also imposed a great deal of damage on my family. (I hate it when that happens!) So there I was, angry – which made me more angry because I had left work early to enjoy the sunshine! Now there I was feeling anger instead of working on my golf swing.

So, I decided that I would enjoy the emotion and I set a time limit on it. I actually set the timer on the oven (I gave myself an hour). Then I figured out how to enjoy it! It was easy because I happened to be home alone (with my dogs) and so I was able to really rant, rave, and say words I wouldn’t normally say in front of other people. I called someone who wouldn’t mind hearing me gripe and I wrote an email confessing that I was just bitching. Then the timer sounded. I was so glad to hear it. It was over.

I went through this event without losing any self confidence or self respect. I didn’t beat myself up for falling into the trap of angry feelings. I didn’t lecture myself that I should know better or be above this. I simply went with it. When the time was up – it was all out of my system and I felt great! Ha! Who needs revenge when you have this tool to deal with it?

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Don’t Be S.A.D.

Filed Under: Health
Feb.03, 2010

As a counselor, I love finding patterns in situations, circumstances, and in all the drama or trauma going on in people’s lives.  History certainly repeats itself and if we’ll only take the time to identify the patterns, we can usually take appropriate steps to change it. But as much as I enjoy doing that for others, I often forget to do it for myself. This is the reason having a counselor or life coach can be so important for personal growth. Often we are too close to the situation to see the big picture, and if you want to see a pattern, you really must be able to step back and see the whole thing.

I recently noticed a huge pattern in my life.  I was feeling particularly depressed one day and realized that I had been feeling that way a lot lately.  I think it’s normal to experience occasional down times, but I was feeling much more than just that. Most of those around me didn’t seem to notice my blues, but that’s because I’m a huge proponent of managing my emotions and not letting them affect me in adverse ways. Anyway, once I noticed the frequency of my depressed moods, I began to look for patterns and eureka! I found one!

For as long as I can recall, I’ve struggled emotionally during the months beginning with Fall and lasting until Spring. It’s weird too, because I actually like cold weather and Fall is one of my most favorite seasons because of the colors and cool air. But like clockwork, as soon as Fall rolls around I begin feeling down. I often explain to people that Fall makes me feel nostalgic. That sounded better than depressed. I often get a sense that things are done with, over, nearing death – but I figured it was just preparing for the “deadness” of winter.

As I looked back, I realized that a lot of major events, negative ones, took place in during those months.  I suffered a clinical depression during the Fall and Winter. I quit my job during the Fall, without a back up plan. I got a divorce during the Winter. I married my first husband (huge mistake) during the Fall. So, I can see a lot of really poor decisions were made during that time.  I can’t really see the same pattern during the warmer months.  Finally, I noticed that this year, the season has been particularly hard on me.  Although I’m living a dream life, my happily ever after, I still feel down a lot.  (This is yet another reason I preach the gospel of not taking your emotions too seriously and letting them run your life. You simply cannot trust every emotion.)

Finally, the light came on for me.  Literally.  Could it be that I am suffering from a very common malady known as S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder)?

Let’s take a look at how Google Health describes the disorder – you can read the entire article at: https://health.google.com/health/ref/Seasonal+affective+disorder

Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is a form of depression that occurs in relation to the seasons, most commonly beginning in winter.

  • Afternoon slumps with decreased energy and concentration
  • Carbohydrate cravings
  • Decreased interest in work or other activities
  • Depression that starts in fall or winter
  • Increased appetite with weight gain
  • Increased sleep and excessive daytime sleepiness
  • Lack of energy
  • Slow, sluggish, lethargic movement
  • Social withdrawal

Yep, I had every one of those symptoms.  As soon as my “light bulb” came on in my mind, I immediately opened the blinds to let some light in my home.  We’ve had an unusual amount of rain here, so I’m just not getting much sunlight. Plus, we’ve had the blinds closed for months (too lazy to open them?) and the lighting in my office was dim too. With the shortened days of Fall and Winter, I was living in the dark!

Experts think that the reduced exposure to light, particularly sun light, causes a drop in serotonin levels, which brings about the symptoms of SAD. I love it when the solution is natural, easy, safe, and affective! Opening my blinds and making it a point to take a walk outside, even though we were experiencing an ice storm (but it’s so beautiful!) made an immediate improvement in my depressed mood!  Next, I had the lights changed in my office at work and Viola! Instant cheer!

If you’ve been down lately, take a look at the amount of light you are getting. It’s amazing how making such small changes can greatly impact your life!

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Turning Negatives into Positives

Filed Under: Life
Jan.29, 2010

Lately I’ve been learning how to turn negative things into positive things. William Shakespeare said that “Nothing is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” I think what he meant by that is the value we use to judge something as good or bad, positive or negative, lies within our own mind. In other words, it’s our mental attitude that determines whether or not something is positive or not.

I began thinking about this with a post I wrote a few days ago, “Myth of the Greener Grass.” In that article I referred to the tendency we have to look at something we don’t have and want it enough to lose what we do have in order to get it….and I showed how that habit can actually be seen in a positive light when we use this same tendency to continue growing and reaching forward toward more and more goals.

I have continued to think of traits that we normally see as negative and have managed to find some real positive aspects of three very common ones: selfishness, laziness, and ruthlessness.

Selfishness:

Yesterday on Dr. Phil there was a young mother who was overwhelmed with her four children (all under age six) and was feeling burned out. (I wonder why?) She admitted that she needed more help from her husband and needed some time to get away from the pressure of full-time motherhood. However, she stated that whenever her husband offered to watch the children while she went out to get some relief, she turned down the opportunity because she felt guilty. What this woman needed was a healthy dose of selfishness.

In his book, Gray Matters, Mark writes how important it is to be a little bit selfish. After all, if you don’t take care of yourself first, you’ll never be able to take care of others. I am reminded of how the instructions during air travel explains that in the event of an emergency, place the oxygen over your mouth before attempting to help someone next to you. This is important advice! The woman on the Dr. Phil Show could not effectively take care of her children because she didn’t take care of herself.

Laziness:

As an adult suffering with ADD, I can’t think of anyone that knows me who would use the word lazy to describe anything about me. I do everything fast and I don’t stop until I drop! Even when I’m supposedly “relaxing,” my mind is going 90 mph thinking of what to do next! Mark and I tease each other that in our relationship he is the quality manager (which really is his vocation) and I am the production manager. Together we make a great team but I’ve had to learn from Mark about the art of incorporating a little bit of laziness in our massive production frenzy in order to ensure high quality! After three years, I’m starting to get the hang of it and it really has improved the quality of my life.

Ruthlessness:

Ok, I don’t think I’m as bad as Simon Cowell or Dr. Laura – but I’ve never had any issue being ruthless! I’m not saying I have no compassion or mercy, but it is not my strong suit when it comes to people whining about problems they caused and have no initiative to solve. Being a good boss requires that you have the ability to be selectively ruthless and the fact is, you are the boss of your life.

Sometimes you have to be ruthless with yourself. This is something I have to do in order to get enough exercise. My allergy to exercise brings about symptoms of whining, attention deficit disorder, and psychosomatic aches and pains. To get the job done, I have to show myself “no mercy” when it is time to work out.

Other times you have to be ruthless when it comes to time stealers. I know you enjoy watching American Idol and the entire CBS line up on Monday’s, Tuesday’s, and Thursday’s….but something’s got to give if you really want to achieve your life purpose! Watching 10 hours of television every week is not your life purpose. Be ruthless with that remote and employ the POWER OFF button!

Lastly, there are times when you must be ruthless with the needy people in your life. You certainly aren’t going to change them or solve their problems. Besides, it’s not your job to solve their issues – that’s their job. And trust me, as long as they have someone to listen to their whining, they will never be motivated to solve anything. If you aren’t part of the solution, then you are part of the problem. Be ruthless!

Incorporating these three habits, in moderation of course, will greatly increase the productivity and quality of your life!

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Respect the Wall!

Filed Under: Relationships
Jan.06, 2010

wallHow many of you successful women have an emotional wall or know someone who does? How many of you know someone who you wish would erect such a wall? Unless you are a hermit, most of us are aware of what an emotional wall is, many of us have one, and most of us know at least one person who has one.  

Walls are our safety devices, erected to protect vulnerable spots in our amour. Even successful women have them. When Mark and I first met, I was still reeling from the pain of divorce – so I had a huge wall that I hid behind. Behind the wall was a cave which I often ran into for safety.  I wouldn’t even look him in the eye because I agree with the statement that the eyes are windows to the soul. He had quite a time getting me to poke my head out, so he decided to come inside to visit – then try to coax me out. I think we were both surprised at how quickly I abandoned my cave and came out from behind the wall. So how did he do it? It’s pretty simple – he respected the wall. 

Mark’s first move to free me from my fear was to acknowledge the wall. He knew it was there. I knew it was there. So he didn’t pretend to not notice. In fact, right from the beginning when I would retreat behind the wall and into the cave, he would often make a sound with his voice that he explained was the sound of him chiseling away at the stones. It made me smile when he’d make the sound of a brick hitting the ground and say, “there’s one.” Sometimes, he would ask me, “hey, what ‘cha doing in there?” and make it sound like he was hollering through a cave tunnel. Just the fact that he acknowledged my feelings of insecurity, without making fun or lecturing me on how I had no reason to not trust him, made me feel I could trust him. He not only acknowledged my wall, he validated my wall.  

After a short while of acknowledging and validating my insecurities, Mark began phase two of Operation Free the Princess. He began offering me choices. He would say, “I can see you are in your cave and that’s ok if that is really what you want. But it’s much nicer out here with me. You are welcome to join me.”  I know it sounds silly, but it worked. I always took him up on his invitation to trust. And he was always right; it was much nicer outside the cave! Mark employed a great deal of patience with me and within a number of months, my visits to the cave became less and less often, until I finally abandoned it altogether.  

If you or someone you know is suffering behind a wall, here is my advice on how to help them (or yourself). First, just acknowledge it. People have walls because they’ve been hurt and they don’t want to get hurt again. That’s ok. Second, don’t make someone or yourself feel weak or childish for wanting to protect themselves from further harm. Third, remember to invite them out rather than telling or expecting them to feel safe. And lastly, be patient. More than likely, the wall wasn’t erected in a day and it probably won’t come down as quickly. 

If you are hiding in a cave, behind a stone emotional wall – take my advice – come out and enjoy the sunshine! It really isn’t as bad as you fear!  Learning to deal with your fears of emotional pain is just one more step toward becoming a perfect woman!

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The Power of the Button – Pt 1

Filed Under: Relationships
Dec.30, 2009

tl-don_t_push_my_buttonsI have a friend (don’t you hate it when a story starts out like that?) who has some really big buttons. He wears them on his shoulder and just about anyone can push them. When they do, he gets upset – as we all do when our buttons are pushed. Even though many have tried to help him get rid of his buttons, they are still larger than life and pretty much control his daily life. One day I started thinking about his buttons and I realized that I don’t know what those buttons are all about.  

Basically, buttons are nothing more than a fear. Here is a list of common buttons:

  • Rejection (my personal demon)
  • Judgment
  • Loneliness
  • Failure
  • Being controlled
  • Abandonment
  • Neglect
  • Unwanted 

I’m pretty sure everyone has at least one button because the fears behind the buttons are nothing more than a reaction to not getting something we want. For example, I want to feel accepted and the thought of not getting that makes me fear rejection. Some people want success which makes them fear failure.  Here’s a list of common wants: 

  • Love
  • Understanding
  • Acceptance
  • Validation
  • Attention
  • Approval
  • Trust
  • Significance
  • Respect

Since everyone likely has one or two of these buttons – why is it that some people are able to hide their buttons so well while others are wearing them on their shoulder for the entire world to see (and push)? 

First of all, it is very important that we understand our buttons, they are our buttons and we alone are responsible for them. If we don’t know what they are, it’s going to be pretty difficult to manage them, right? The next time it appears that someone has pushed one of your buttons you need to start asking some pertinent questions to figure out the real identity of it. You’ll know when your button has been pushed! You’ll feel frustrated or angry, or perhaps sad. You’ll yell or cry, or maybe withdraw. Before all that happens, stop for a moment and find out what is going on inside your head. Remember, when you are angry at someone – you are almost NEVER angry because of their behavior. It’s usually that their behavior pushed your button – and that, my friend, is your domain. (I know. It stinks!) 

The first step in overcoming the sensitive button problem is identifying the want and fear behind it.  A counselor or life coach is sometimes necessary to help you identify these needs, but you can do it yourself if you’ll take the time to ask yourself – “so what?” Don’t stop until you reach the bottom and reveal the core need. For example: your husband just did something that really makes you mad! Ask yourself, “so what” that he did that? You may answer with something like, “it’s rude and inconsiderate that he did it.” Ok, so what that he was rude and inconsiderate? You may respond with, “I would never do that to him?” Ok, so what that he was rude even though you would not have been rude. Perhaps you’ll answer, “I just can’t believe he didn’t ask me first!” Again, so what that he didn’t ask you first? “It makes me feel like my opinions don’t matter to him! Like, I’m not important!” See? Now you are getting to the root! From that you can determine that your basic need is validation or significance. If that’s the case, then your fear button is feeling unimportant or invalidated.  

Once you learn how to identify the name of your fear button – next we’ll discuss Step 2 in dismantling the power of the button! Until then, practice your “so what” questions and identify how you normally react when your buttons are pushed.

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