If you have kids, you have witnessed defiance first hand. It seems to begin sometime during a child’s second year – the “terrible twos.” How you deal with it then, will have an impact on how effective the child finds it and therefore how often they will use it throughout their childhood. Paul Coleman, a respected child psychologist, describes noncompliance as “disobedience with an attitude.”
Be advised that there are some children with mental health issues who are compulsively defiant and this article is not intended to address the challenges their parents are facing. I am only referring to the normal, ‘push the limit,’ ‘cross the line,’ behavior that most children display at some time or another. When a child looks you right in the eye and says, “no” to your simple request and they have a look on their face that says, “now, what are you going to do about it?” We’ve all seen that look. It’s really intimidating, especially coming from older children. For parents who suffer with their own defiant issues, such as myself, the first thought is “which response will not send me to jail!” Or as my best friend said, “when that happens, swing harder!” We are just kidding, of course. Here are some real tips on getting through the attitude!
Number ONE: I call this the set up. Every mother I know has the built in “mommy voice” and even a “mommy look.” Its what comes out when your child has pushed you to the limit. But this is where we often fall into trouble. We feel guilty over having a mommy voice so we keep it reserved for when we are really, really fed up! When most of us reach that line, we over react and every child in the universe knows that when an adult has “lost it” the power is now in their little hands. So, I suggest you move that line up to a place where you are still in control. Use the mommy voice way before you normally would. But remember, this is one of your tools, so don’t play with it. Don’t use the mommy voice or mommy look unless you mean it.
If you are one of those extremely patient parents who has never or has seldom used the mommy tone, you may want to explain it to your child before you use it. You can say, “Listen to my tone. When you hear me speak like this or if I say ‘I’m serious’, then I mean it.” Don’t assume your child automatically takes you seriously or understands the mommy voice. ***Important**** Please do not ever use your mommy voice on your spouse! It’s a nasty habit for some of us and it’s very damaging to your relationship.
Number TWO: Stating your request. There are three techniques that I suggest when you are attempting to get your child to perform a certain task, but the number one, most important element is to remain calm. Any time you lose your cool, you are handing the control and power to your child. They understand this…which is the reason they keep pushing you. So let’s look at these three techniques:
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Broken record. To use this technique on a child that is arguing with you, simply repeat your request, word for word, with the same tone, like a broken record. “Go do your homework. Go do your homework. Go do your homework.” It’s hard to argue with someone who keeps repeating the same thing. By the way, never argue with your child.
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Provide choices when you foresee a challenge. If bath time is a routine argument, try offering a choice to get their mind off their objections. “It’s bath time, would you rather wear these pajama’s or these?” or “You must do your chores. Do you want to do them now or after dinner?”
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Compromise. Sometimes your child has a legitimate reason for not wanting to comply when you ask. Find out the reason for their objections and if appropriate, offer a compromise. This should not be used frequently because you child will come to expect it, but they should be able to conclude that you are a fair person and consider their feelings about the situation.
Number THREE: The Ultimatum. This is where your request is met with an attitude of “or what?” Your child simply refuses to do what you have asked. Now what? Again, the magic power is in remaining calm. Once you give way to anger and your child sees you are not calm, that’s when the battle has been lost. I believe the reason so many of us get angry when our child defies us is that we are still under the illusion that we can control our children. We cannot control anyone other than our self. It’s a fact. So don’t freak out that your child knows this. If you remain calm, you can outwit them by making consequences work to your advantage.
Another key to making this step effective is to be prepared. You need to have a list of consequences that you can apply to the situation which are fair but minor annoyances. You want to start out with the least uncomfortable consequence as possible. So many times I see parents who, in their anger, have implemented severe consequences to minor offenses. This makes it difficult to deal with situations which requires code red (Number FOUR). Plus, it communicates to the child that you are unreasonable. Since imposing the consequences comes at a time when you are upset and struggling to remain calm, it is most helpful to already have a list to draw from. Furthermore, it’s also helpful if your child helps to compile the list. During a time that everyone is calm and no one is in trouble, sit down with your children and make up the family rules, along with consequences for breaking each rule. It’s helpful to post the list somewhere that you can point to it, like the refrigerator door. It serves as a reminder to the children and when a rule is broken, it’s hard for the child to argue about something that was his idea to begin with.
When your child has defied you, the consequence should be delivered swiftly! When my children were small, it was a popular and recommended technique to count to 5 to allow the child time to decide to comply before imposing a consequence. In my house, I never got past 2. I would tell the boys to do something and if they didn’t move immediately I would start counting, “1……2…..” then that was it. They laugh about that now, but the message was clear. If you don’t move when I say move, somethings going to come down on you fast and hard! I figured if they haven’t moved by the time I say 3, they aren’t going to do it at all. But again, all of this has to be done in a calm manner otherwise, you are losing the battle! By the way, I can’t believe people still do this, but I’ve seen it: never say to your child, “just wait till your father gets home!”
Depending on the age of your child, time-out can and should be the most common consequence to most behaviors. However, time-out must be used properly and explained to the child before it is imposed. During the family meeting when house rules are established, it should be decided where and for how long time out will be enforced. Most experts say time-out should be the same length in minutes as your child’s age. (2 minutes for a 2 year old, 5 minutes for a 5 year old) Also the time out place should never be in the child’s room or where there is family traffic. It should be in a boring place with no interaction with others. I personally like the laundry room if it’s located close by where you can monitor them. The purpose of time-out, which should be explained, is to allow the child opportunity to think about the choices that led to the consequence. Other ideas for consequences include doing extra chores, loss of privileges (particularly TV, phones, and video games), monetary fines for older children, and apologizing.
Number FOUR: CODE RED. No one can decide for you what ultimate ultimatum should be for your child. Obviously, I do not advocate hitting a child, but I will confess that I did spank my children when they were young. I think I know better now, but honestly, I don’t know what I would do if I were raising another youngster. I do know that with one of my children, spanking simply was not an option. It would have destroyed him. For another child of mine, spanking seemed to be the only thing that registered in his brain. My third child only needed a disappointed look on my face to make him repent! So all children are different. You will need to figure out what really motivates your child then only use that consequence as a last resort. Some children are extremely social creatures, so taking away play time with his friends would be the most devastating thing you could do for him. Others are loners and it would not create any motivation by keeping them isolated. The point is, find out what that one thing is and only use it when the lesser consequences are ineffective.
I cannot stress it enough – the key to all effective discipline is remaining calm. Being consistent with consequences is important and when you get angry, your emotions will cause a great deal of inconsistency. Find out what you need to remain calm. Walk away, take 10 deep breaths, count to 50, sing a lullaby, just do whatever it takes for you to remain calm before dealing with your child’s defiance.
