Category: Life


American Idol

Ok, what is going on with the American Idol judges?

They are all over the place with the feedback they give the contestants. First they say, “change it up, make it your own!” then when the Idol does that, they say, “don’t change it so much, just sing the song! We want to hear your voice.” What? And I swear, if I hear “it wasn’t the right song choice” one more time, I’m going to scream! That is so hypocritical! The point of the competition is to judge the person’s vocal talent and performing abilities – so even if they all sang the same song, the judges should be listening to voice quality and then provide constructive feedback. What makes it so hypocritical is that later in the competition they are going to force the contestants to sing songs outside their genre, style and range – just to get a taste of how well their talent can adapt.

The key word here is constructive feedback. That should be the goal of the American Idol judges at this point in the competition. Instead, they are engaging in very “indulgent” displays of ego and it’s all a bit too “karaoke” for me. Case in point, did you hear Kara (aka, Cougar) bash her boy toy? Presumably due to her embarrassment over making a fool of her lusty self the previous week….wait, then again, I doubt she’s embarrassed…Anyway, after Simon commented that the “hot” contestant had “no grit. More like sand.” Kara interjected – “More like dirt.” Come on, now. Is that your idea of being constructive?

And while I’m on her case – what is up with her hanging all over Simon? Is she really that lacking in character or are the producers orchestrating the scene for better ratings? I’m a little put off by it. When Paula did it – it was sort of excusable because she was just plain weird anyway. (No, I’m not providing constructive feed back.)

What makes feed back constructive rather than destructive? How can we be sure to provide our opinions and requests in such a manner that it does not attack the person’s character but rather focuses only on their behavior? I’m finding that the ability to confront and address issues is something that most people are uncomfortable with – but it doesn’t have to be a difficult task if you follow a few rules of engagement.

First, make sure your emotions are disengaged before offering feedback. If you are angry or feel you might cry – table the subject until your emotions can be controlled. This is particularly important for people like me who have a sharp tongue and tend to be sarcastic. Learn to step outside yourself and observe the situation as a 3rd party before forming your opinion, then wait until you can deliver it without it being adulterated with intense feelings.

Second, do not assume to know anything about the motives behind the behavior you are addressing. “You did that because…….” That will get you into trouble and cause a great deal of destruction to the relationship, especially when you make a habit of it. It’s also a good indication that you have not disengaged your emotions.

Third, use “I – sentences” rather than “You – sentences.” This will help you to focus on the behavior rather than on the character of the person you are addressing. First state the emotion you feel, then identify the behavior, then make your request to change it. For example:

I feel ___(emotion)__________ when you __(behavior)_____. Please __(change)_____.

“I feel rejected when you stay out with your friends late every night. Please spend this evening with me.”

“I feel angry when you talk to me in that tone. Please be more respectful.”

“I get impatient when you take too long getting ready. Please be ready to go at 7:00.”

Take a look at the same sentences delivered in a “You” fashion:

“You just want to be with your friends all the time, instead of me! Why can’t you stay home tonight? Is that too much to ask?”

“[You] Stop talking to me like that! Who do you think you are?”

“You are always late! Why can’t you be on time for a change?”

Fourth, soften the blow with the positive first, then deliver the negative, and end it on a positive. Here’s an example:

“Johnny, I really appreciate how well you are playing outside with your sister. However, it makes me feel angry when you come running in the house with dirty shoes especially since I just cleaned the floor. Please take your shoes off at the door next time. Thank you for bringing me this beautiful weed…I mean flower.”

Lastly, don’t assume that your opinion is the only “right” way. Acknowledge that what you are saying or asking for is your personal preference.

“Honey, I feel frustrated when you have the television volume up so loud. I realize that you like it bursting your eardrums, but can you hear it ok if you turn it down just a bit? Is that blood coming out of your ear?” (See, I’m sarcastic – even when pretending)

Ok, Simon – here’s a good way to tell someone that their horrendous vocals sound like a screeching cat fight:

“I appreciate the fact that you stood in line for hours waiting to try out for American Idol. That shows off your perseverance. However, I feel frustrated that you wasted our time and the time of the others out there who have tremendous talent and actually have a shot at this competition. In my opinion your performance does not demonstrate any extraordinary talent which could make you the next American Idol. Your outfit shows that you are creative; however the street walker image is not what we are looking for. Thank you for coming out today. Good luck in your endeavors.

Nah! Never mind, Simon – Give ‘em hell! It’s what we tune in to see.

How Bad do you Want it?

No matter what it is you are reaching for – a new job, a relationship, something material like a new house or car, the perfect vacation, weight loss, or any other goal that takes hard work and dedication to obtain – you must ask yourself one important question: How bad do I want it?

When I was actively working with Arbonne International (an all natural health and wellness company) I was told numerous times to “find your why.” What they were asking of me is to nail down exactly what was motivating me to succeed. For some people, the motivation was about being in a job they hated and they were looking for something more enjoyable. For others, the motivation was a bit stronger – they were homeless and living out of their car and found Arbonne as a way to earn a living. What the leaders found is that when our motivation is fueled by something major (like being homeless) we are much more likely to succeed! In cases like that, failure really isn’t an option. But if we are motivated by something not so urgent, like perhaps we just want extra money to purchase more material things or we want better vacations, we tend to give up when the going gets tough. The motivation must be enough to push you through the tough times.

I have found this lesson of finding your why to be valuable in all aspects of my life. When something is right for you or meant to be – it grabs you! It grabs your attention and you’ll find it difficult to ignore. What I’ve learned is that when something grabs me – I feel confident in pursuing it. If it doesn’t grab me – I’ll likely pass it by. I’ve used this to make important decisions and not so important decisions. So far, I’ve been very happy with the results.

When I first met Mark, everything in my head told me I was not being wise to move so quickly and everyone around me told me the same thing. But Mark grabbed my heart and I had no choice but to throw caution to the wind and run with it! It has been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made in my entire life. He is perfect for me and we clearly have a perfect marriage! So if it was such a great decision, why was I advised against it? Because it’s common knowledge that you should never make a major decision while going through a trauma, especially big ones like death and divorce! Mark and I were both experiencing fresh traumas and had no business jumping into something so serious when we clearly weren’t able to think rationally. Thank God we jumped! He grabbed my heart and still has it.

The next time you are deciding on a goal, ask yourself how bad you want it. The answer may determine your success with it. Either way, it’s always good to have your why nailed down so that you can pull it out as a reminder when things get tough. And remember, when something really grabs your heart – run with it!

Practicing What I Preach

Yesterday, shortly after I wrote the post about dealing with negative emotions, I was presented with the opportunity to practice what I preach. Come to think of it, that happens a lot! You’d think I would learn to only write about easy things…but I’m a sucker for a good learning opportunity.

Anyway, just a few hours after writing that post, I came across some information that produced all sorts of icky feelings. I was mostly angry. I was reminded about someone who not only betrayed me personally, but also imposed a great deal of damage on my family. (I hate it when that happens!) So there I was, angry – which made me more angry because I had left work early to enjoy the sunshine! Now there I was feeling anger instead of working on my golf swing.

So, I decided that I would enjoy the emotion and I set a time limit on it. I actually set the timer on the oven (I gave myself an hour). Then I figured out how to enjoy it! It was easy because I happened to be home alone (with my dogs) and so I was able to really rant, rave, and say words I wouldn’t normally say in front of other people. I called someone who wouldn’t mind hearing me gripe and I wrote an email confessing that I was just bitching. Then the timer sounded. I was so glad to hear it. It was over.

I went through this event without losing any self confidence or self respect. I didn’t beat myself up for falling into the trap of angry feelings. I didn’t lecture myself that I should know better or be above this. I simply went with it. When the time was up – it was all out of my system and I felt great! Ha! Who needs revenge when you have this tool to deal with it?

How to become more self confident

Yesterday I wrote about the importance of self-confidence and its nemesis – fear. Today, as promised, I want to offer a couple of steps that have helped me to increase my self-confidence and reduce the amount of fear in my life.

We all have bad days and weak moments. Sometimes we have negative emotions that are caused by faulty thinking patterns. Other times our negative emotions are caused by biological factors such as hormone levels, poor nutrition, or lack of exercise. But whatever is the cause, when you find yourself feeling down – one of the best things you can do with that emotion is accept it (with limitations). Too many times we beat ourselves up and chastise ourselves for being human. Rather than feeling bad or feeling guilty that you are experiencing a negative emotion, such as depression, why not accept it for what it is and perhaps even enjoy it! What? Let me explain –

Sometimes when I am feeling down or blue for no apparent reason, I try to refrain from judging myself and I accept that I have a negative feeling. Then I decide what I can do to enjoy the fact that I feel like a victim. I mean seriously, if you are going to feel that way, you may as well make the most of it. So I make a mental note of how I can enjoy the experience – but then, and here’s the key, I put a time limit on it!

Just for today, I will be as depressed as I feel like being. I will lay around in my pajamas and not do any house work. I’ll watch television all day. I will eat as much chocolate as I want without feeling guilty. I will not exercise. I will not reach out to any of my friends or family.”

Almost always, I end up not doing it for the limited time (one day) but while I’m doing it, I enjoy it. It sounds crazy, but give it a try! The next day will be much better and you will have grown in confidence because you didn’t beat yourself up for being down. You will likely face the day with more confidence because you know that if you fail, you will be nice to yourself!

If you find yourself in a rut of negative emotions, here’s another quick exercise that usually works: When you wake up in the morning, put a huge smile on your face (even if it’s fake) and list 10 things you are most grateful for. Do this before you get out of bed. It sets the tone for the entire day. It’s a great habit to have for every day!

Here’s one more exercise that will build your confidence, especially if you do it every evening!

Aristotle said “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.” If you get into habits I’m describing and become excellent – how much more reason to have confidence?

Every evening before you fall asleep, have an honors ceremony in your mind. Visualize yourself on a stage receiving an award for your accomplishments of the day. They don’t have to be big accomplishments – just take the time to acknowledge some of the things that make you a good person. An example:

Today I am being honored for: getting up on time, eating healthy meals all day, not yelling at that person, cleaning the bathroom, making a dental appointment, complimenting someone’s outfit, and wearing my seatbelt in the car.”

Again, it may sound crazy, but the first step in gaining confidence is learning to be nice to yourself. By refraining from judging yourself harshly and taking time to honor all the little things you do, you are becoming more loving toward yourself. Until you love yourself, you simply cannot love others. Remember when I said that fear is the opposite of self confidence? Well, how do we get rid of fear?

The first step in eradicating fear is explained in the Bible: “….perfect love casts out all fear….” I John 4:18. If you want further explanation on the relationship between love and confidence, I hope you’ll take the time to read the entire chapter. The verse before it (vs 17) says that “love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence…” Check it out for yourself!

Learning to be nice to ourselves will not only help us have more confidence, it will also help us to be nice to others. Often we are much harsher with ourselves than we are with those around us. Be nice to yourself. Love yourself. Be confident!

Self Confidence VS Cockiness

I learned an important lesson many years ago from an unexpected source – Hollywood! I recall looking at the photo of a particularly famous woman who was considered by most to be incredibly sexy. I had never questioned whether or not she was sexy; I just went with the flow. But on this particular day, I was looking at her photo with a critical eye and I concluded she really wasn’t “all that.” Upon sensing the unpopularity of my conclusion, I figured it must have just been a bad photo – we all get those from time to time. Perhaps she was no different. But then I started noticing her more frequently on television, billboards, and magazines and in the movies. Again and again, I came to the conclusion that not only was she not all that – she really wasn’t very pretty at all. There were far more attractive women in her field who weren’t getting so much attention. So I began trying to figure out what set this woman apart.

After watching interviews with her, reading articles about her, and seeing her performances, her secret dawned on me. She was sexy because she said she was sexy. Now I never actually heard her say, “I’m sexy.” But her body language, her voice, the way she walked, the way she dressed, and especially the ways she smiled and looked into the camera all screamed “I’m sexy.” In a word, it was her self-confidence which gave her an edge over equally, if not more, beautiful women.

I’m not surprised – both men and women find self-confidence to be a desirable trait. We feel good around self-confident people because they don’t feel the need to compete with you or judge you or size you up. They don’t think they are better than you, they just feel good about who they are and therefore do not feel the need to prove their worth to anyone. A self-confident person is ok with you being great because they understand that it doesn’t make them less great. Self-confident people enjoy watching and even helping others succeed because they know it doesn’t detract any of their success – there’s plenty to go around!

Because self-confident people are not concerned with proving anything to anyone – they have more friends, people want to be close to them, and more opportunities are offered to them. Generally speaking, they are more likely to find success in just about any endeavor they engage in. Without the underlying competition, there seems to be an air of peace about them. Who wouldn’t want to be around someone who is peaceable and genuinely wants to see others achieve success? I do. But more importantly, I want to be that type of person that is self-confident and therefore does not feel threatened by anyone else’ beauty, prestige, or success.

Obviously there is a huge difference between confident people and cocky people. Cocky people act like they are better than others, more attractive than others, smarter than others, and superior to everyone around them. What motivates them is actually the opposite of self-confidence. Cocky people are afraid that someone else will be better liked, gain more attention or somehow steal the spotlight. They respond by being loud and drawing attention to themself. FEAR is the enemy of confidence! You simply cannot have confidence and fear at the same time.

Anytime you feel nervous, self conscious, timid, afraid, anxious, worried, panicky, tense, or uneasy – you are not confident. No kidding, right? In fact, anytime you feel any of those emotions, you can pretty much be sure there is a fear lurking around in your mind.

I have a couple of exercises to suggest that will help you overcome fear and become more confident. But you’ll have to come back tomorrow to get the scoop!  self-confidence

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