Ok, what is going on with the American Idol judges?
They are all over the place with the feedback they give the contestants. First they say, “change it up, make it your own!” then when the Idol does that, they say, “don’t change it so much, just sing the song! We want to hear your voice.” What? And I swear, if I hear “it wasn’t the right song choice” one more time, I’m going to scream! That is so hypocritical! The point of the competition is to judge the person’s vocal talent and performing abilities – so even if they all sang the same song, the judges should be listening to voice quality and then provide constructive feedback. What makes it so hypocritical is that later in the competition they are going to force the contestants to sing songs outside their genre, style and range – just to get a taste of how well their talent can adapt.
The key word here is constructive feedback. That should be the goal of the American Idol judges at this point in the competition. Instead, they are engaging in very “indulgent” displays of ego and it’s all a bit too “karaoke” for me. Case in point, did you hear Kara (aka, Cougar) bash her boy toy? Presumably due to her embarrassment over making a fool of her lusty self the previous week….wait, then again, I doubt she’s embarrassed…Anyway, after Simon commented that the “hot” contestant had “no grit. More like sand.” Kara interjected – “More like dirt.” Come on, now. Is that your idea of being constructive?
And while I’m on her case – what is up with her hanging all over Simon? Is she really that lacking in character or are the producers orchestrating the scene for better ratings? I’m a little put off by it. When Paula did it – it was sort of excusable because she was just plain weird anyway. (No, I’m not providing constructive feed back.)
What makes feed back constructive rather than destructive? How can we be sure to provide our opinions and requests in such a manner that it does not attack the person’s character but rather focuses only on their behavior? I’m finding that the ability to confront and address issues is something that most people are uncomfortable with – but it doesn’t have to be a difficult task if you follow a few rules of engagement.
First, make sure your emotions are disengaged before offering feedback. If you are angry or feel you might cry – table the subject until your emotions can be controlled. This is particularly important for people like me who have a sharp tongue and tend to be sarcastic. Learn to step outside yourself and observe the situation as a 3rd party before forming your opinion, then wait until you can deliver it without it being adulterated with intense feelings.
Second, do not assume to know anything about the motives behind the behavior you are addressing. “You did that because…….” That will get you into trouble and cause a great deal of destruction to the relationship, especially when you make a habit of it. It’s also a good indication that you have not disengaged your emotions.
Third, use “I – sentences” rather than “You – sentences.” This will help you to focus on the behavior rather than on the character of the person you are addressing. First state the emotion you feel, then identify the behavior, then make your request to change it. For example:
I feel ___(emotion)__________ when you __(behavior)_____. Please __(change)_____.
“I feel rejected when you stay out with your friends late every night. Please spend this evening with me.”
“I feel angry when you talk to me in that tone. Please be more respectful.”
“I get impatient when you take too long getting ready. Please be ready to go at 7:00.”
Take a look at the same sentences delivered in a “You” fashion:
“You just want to be with your friends all the time, instead of me! Why can’t you stay home tonight? Is that too much to ask?”
“[You] Stop talking to me like that! Who do you think you are?”
“You are always late! Why can’t you be on time for a change?”
Fourth, soften the blow with the positive first, then deliver the negative, and end it on a positive. Here’s an example:
“Johnny, I really appreciate how well you are playing outside with your sister. However, it makes me feel angry when you come running in the house with dirty shoes especially since I just cleaned the floor. Please take your shoes off at the door next time. Thank you for bringing me this beautiful weed…I mean flower.”
Lastly, don’t assume that your opinion is the only “right” way. Acknowledge that what you are saying or asking for is your personal preference.
“Honey, I feel frustrated when you have the television volume up so loud. I realize that you like it bursting your eardrums, but can you hear it ok if you turn it down just a bit? Is that blood coming out of your ear?” (See, I’m sarcastic – even when pretending)
Ok, Simon – here’s a good way to tell someone that their horrendous vocals sound like a screeching cat fight:
“I appreciate the fact that you stood in line for hours waiting to try out for American Idol. That shows off your perseverance. However, I feel frustrated that you wasted our time and the time of the others out there who have tremendous talent and actually have a shot at this competition. In my opinion your performance does not demonstrate any extraordinary talent which could make you the next American Idol. Your outfit shows that you are creative; however the street walker image is not what we are looking for. Thank you for coming out today. Good luck in your endeavors.
Nah! Never mind, Simon – Give ‘em hell! It’s what we tune in to see.
