Self Confidence VS Cockiness

I learned an important lesson many years ago from an unexpected source – Hollywood! I recall looking at the photo of a particularly famous woman who was considered by most to be incredibly sexy. I had never questioned whether or not she was sexy; I just went with the flow. But on this particular day, I was looking at her photo with a critical eye and I concluded she really wasn’t “all that.” Upon sensing the unpopularity of my conclusion, I figured it must have just been a bad photo – we all get those from time to time. Perhaps she was no different. But then I started noticing her more frequently on television, billboards, and magazines and in the movies. Again and again, I came to the conclusion that not only was she not all that – she really wasn’t very pretty at all. There were far more attractive women in her field who weren’t getting so much attention. So I began trying to figure out what set this woman apart.

After watching interviews with her, reading articles about her, and seeing her performances, her secret dawned on me. She was sexy because she said she was sexy. Now I never actually heard her say, “I’m sexy.” But her body language, her voice, the way she walked, the way she dressed, and especially the ways she smiled and looked into the camera all screamed “I’m sexy.” In a word, it was her self-confidence which gave her an edge over equally, if not more, beautiful women.

I’m not surprised – both men and women find self-confidence to be a desirable trait. We feel good around self-confident people because they don’t feel the need to compete with you or judge you or size you up. They don’t think they are better than you, they just feel good about who they are and therefore do not feel the need to prove their worth to anyone. A self-confident person is ok with you being great because they understand that it doesn’t make them less great. Self-confident people enjoy watching and even helping others succeed because they know it doesn’t detract any of their success – there’s plenty to go around!

Because self-confident people are not concerned with proving anything to anyone – they have more friends, people want to be close to them, and more opportunities are offered to them. Generally speaking, they are more likely to find success in just about any endeavor they engage in. Without the underlying competition, there seems to be an air of peace about them. Who wouldn’t want to be around someone who is peaceable and genuinely wants to see others achieve success? I do. But more importantly, I want to be that type of person that is self-confident and therefore does not feel threatened by anyone else’ beauty, prestige, or success.

Obviously there is a huge difference between confident people and cocky people. Cocky people act like they are better than others, more attractive than others, smarter than others, and superior to everyone around them. What motivates them is actually the opposite of self-confidence. Cocky people are afraid that someone else will be better liked, gain more attention or somehow steal the spotlight. They respond by being loud and drawing attention to themself. FEAR is the enemy of confidence! You simply cannot have confidence and fear at the same time.

Anytime you feel nervous, self conscious, timid, afraid, anxious, worried, panicky, tense, or uneasy – you are not confident. No kidding, right? In fact, anytime you feel any of those emotions, you can pretty much be sure there is a fear lurking around in your mind.

I have a couple of exercises to suggest that will help you overcome fear and become more confident. But you’ll have to come back tomorrow to get the scoop!