How many of you successful women have an emotional wall or know someone who does? How many of you know someone who you wish would erect such a wall? Unless you are a hermit, most of us are aware of what an emotional wall is, many of us have one, and most of us know at least one person who has one.
Walls are our safety devices, erected to protect vulnerable spots in our amour. Even successful women have them. When Mark and I first met, I was still reeling from the pain of divorce – so I had a huge wall that I hid behind. Behind the wall was a cave which I often ran into for safety. I wouldn’t even look him in the eye because I agree with the statement that the eyes are windows to the soul. He had quite a time getting me to poke my head out, so he decided to come inside to visit – then try to coax me out. I think we were both surprised at how quickly I abandoned my cave and came out from behind the wall. So how did he do it? It’s pretty simple – he respected the wall.
Mark’s first move to free me from my fear was to acknowledge the wall. He knew it was there. I knew it was there. So he didn’t pretend to not notice. In fact, right from the beginning when I would retreat behind the wall and into the cave, he would often make a sound with his voice that he explained was the sound of him chiseling away at the stones. It made me smile when he’d make the sound of a brick hitting the ground and say, “there’s one.” Sometimes, he would ask me, “hey, what ‘cha doing in there?” and make it sound like he was hollering through a cave tunnel. Just the fact that he acknowledged my feelings of insecurity, without making fun or lecturing me on how I had no reason to not trust him, made me feel I could trust him. He not only acknowledged my wall, he validated my wall.
After a short while of acknowledging and validating my insecurities, Mark began phase two of Operation Free the Princess. He began offering me choices. He would say, “I can see you are in your cave and that’s ok if that is really what you want. But it’s much nicer out here with me. You are welcome to join me.” I know it sounds silly, but it worked. I always took him up on his invitation to trust. And he was always right; it was much nicer outside the cave! Mark employed a great deal of patience with me and within a number of months, my visits to the cave became less and less often, until I finally abandoned it altogether.
If you or someone you know is suffering behind a wall, here is my advice on how to help them (or yourself). First, just acknowledge it. People have walls because they’ve been hurt and they don’t want to get hurt again. That’s ok. Second, don’t make someone or yourself feel weak or childish for wanting to protect themselves from further harm. Third, remember to invite them out rather than telling or expecting them to feel safe. And lastly, be patient. More than likely, the wall wasn’t erected in a day and it probably won’t come down as quickly.
If you are hiding in a cave, behind a stone emotional wall – take my advice – come out and enjoy the sunshine! It really isn’t as bad as you fear! Learning to deal with your fears of emotional pain is just one more step toward becoming a perfect woman!
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