I have a friend (don’t you hate it when a story starts out like that?) who has some really big buttons. He wears them on his shoulder and just about anyone can push them. When they do, he gets upset – as we all do when our buttons are pushed. Even though many have tried to help him get rid of his buttons, they are still larger than life and pretty much control his daily life. One day I started thinking about his buttons and I realized that I don’t know what those buttons are all about.
Basically, buttons are nothing more than a fear. Here is a list of common buttons:
- Rejection (my personal demon)
- Judgment
- Loneliness
- Failure
- Being controlled
- Abandonment
- Neglect
- Unwanted
I’m pretty sure everyone has at least one button because the fears behind the buttons are nothing more than a reaction to not getting something we want. For example, I want to feel accepted and the thought of not getting that makes me fear rejection. Some people want success which makes them fear failure. Here’s a list of common wants:
- Love
- Understanding
- Acceptance
- Validation
- Attention
- Approval
- Trust
- Significance
- Respect
Since everyone likely has one or two of these buttons – why is it that some people are able to hide their buttons so well while others are wearing them on their shoulder for the entire world to see (and push)?
First of all, it is very important that we understand our buttons, they are our buttons and we alone are responsible for them. If we don’t know what they are, it’s going to be pretty difficult to manage them, right? The next time it appears that someone has pushed one of your buttons you need to start asking some pertinent questions to figure out the real identity of it. You’ll know when your button has been pushed! You’ll feel frustrated or angry, or perhaps sad. You’ll yell or cry, or maybe withdraw. Before all that happens, stop for a moment and find out what is going on inside your head. Remember, when you are angry at someone – you are almost NEVER angry because of their behavior. It’s usually that their behavior pushed your button – and that, my friend, is your domain. (I know. It stinks!)
The first step in overcoming the sensitive button problem is identifying the want and fear behind it. A counselor or life coach is sometimes necessary to help you identify these needs, but you can do it yourself if you’ll take the time to ask yourself – “so what?” Don’t stop until you reach the bottom and reveal the core need. For example: your husband just did something that really makes you mad! Ask yourself, “so what” that he did that? You may answer with something like, “it’s rude and inconsiderate that he did it.” Ok, so what that he was rude and inconsiderate? You may respond with, “I would never do that to him?” Ok, so what that he was rude even though you would not have been rude. Perhaps you’ll answer, “I just can’t believe he didn’t ask me first!” Again, so what that he didn’t ask you first? “It makes me feel like my opinions don’t matter to him! Like, I’m not important!” See? Now you are getting to the root! From that you can determine that your basic need is validation or significance. If that’s the case, then your fear button is feeling unimportant or invalidated.
Once you learn how to identify the name of your fear button – next we’ll discuss Step 2 in dismantling the power of the button! Until then, practice your “so what” questions and identify how you normally react when your buttons are pushed.
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