Name your hats!

Name Your HATS!

I used to watch the television show, Seinfeld, all the time! I have several favorite scenes, but one that really resonated with me was when George’s girl friend wanted to be included with Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer. George was uncomfortable with the idea and in his typical overacting way exclaimed, “Worlds are colliding, Jerry! Worlds are colliding!”

I get that! I understand what it’s like when you find yourself having to mesh one existence with another and feeling out of place with both. It seems that we all have multiple personalities or at least, multiple personas. At work, I’m serious and competent. At home I am silly and goofy. I have some friends that I tend to be deep and insightful with and others that I just enjoy the moment with. I even find that I act slightly different with each of my children.

I believe that women who juggle home, career, a spouse, and small children have the most difficult time finding a way to balance out their different modes of being than anyone else!

In our business of coaching and counseling, Mark and I see a very common pattern. Wives complain that their husbands are lazy, don’t take initiative around the house, and are emotionally unavailable. The wives are exhausted and stressed out because they feel they carry the bulk of the responsibility of:

caring for the children,
taking care of household chores,
paying the bills,
maintaining relationships both within and without the marriage,
keeping a full time job,
trying to fit in with the world expectations of her appearance!

Does this sound familiar to you?

After careful review and talking to all these lazy men, we quickly came to a decision. It appears that the women get into one mode and stay there. If my memory serves me correctly (since it’s been a long time since my children were small) I would have to call it “survival mode.” So, what does this mean?

It means that she is stuck in mommy mode, even toward her husband. She finds herself telling him what to do, where to look, how to feel, where to go….and all he hears is nag, nag, nag. But wait, men aren’t off the hook!

The one thing she had right in her initial complaint, men are lazy! It appears that if she is going to think for him, he would just rather let her, its one less thing he has to do. It would take more energy than he is willing to expend to speak up and say, “I’m not one of the children!”

Before they are aware of it, the relationship becomes stuck in a pattern: she nags, he shuts down, she nags more, he withdraws, she’s hurt and withholds, he gets angry and withdraws more, she nags more to get him to respond, etc, etc,

Someone needs to stop the madness! Husbands and wives cannot enjoy a romantic partner relationship if one is wearing the parent hat with the other. So what do we do, ladies? Simple: name your hats!

The best way for us to balance all the roles we play in our lives, is to first acknowledge what they are and what is required of each. To do this, we need to name the roles and create a job description for each. Here’s an example:

WORK HAT

This is my work hat. It is affective only Monday thru Friday until 5:00 pm.This hat does not apply to my children or husband, but rather only those who I work with at my place of employment. My personality is professional while wearing this hat. I do not put on my other hats while I am wearing this one. This hat provides a much needed paycheck, for which I am appreciative.

WIFE HATE

This is my wife hat. It is effective anytime I am with my husband or speaking to him on the phone. I put on this hat anytime I am apart from him but think about him and our relationships. This is a romantic hat who loves, adores, and respects my husband. I will not use this hat for anyone other than him. When I wear this hat, my personality softens and I strive to make him feel valued and special. I trust my husband when I am wearing this hat. Above all others, this is my most favorite hat!

MOMMY HAT

This hat represents me as a mom. I only wear this hat when dealing with my children or making decisions that will affect them. Sometimes I have to wear this hat at the same time I am wearing my wife hat. I will respect both and demonstrate to my children that I interact with my husband differently than I do with them. This will teach them to respect him and not see him as on their same level.

TEACHER HAT

This is my scholarly hat. Not only do I wear this often in order to continue learning, but I also wear this hat when I am educating others about my needs. When I feel my husband is not contributing to the household administration, I will show him my wants and needs. When my co-workers are not responding to me in a way that best serves the company, I will educate them, respectfully, about my wants and needs. I use this hat often with my children as I instruct them on becoming responsible adults.

This exercise may seem silly at first glance, but if we will simply take the time to realize that we have different roles to play in life, and each role has its own set of expectations and requirements, then we will be better equipped to interact with our world with the proper responses and attitudes. If we are at work and are aware of the hat we are wearing, we’ll be less likely to engage in any inappropriate behavior which would require a different type of hat.

Don’t forget to include all the other hats you wear when completing this exercise. Here are a few other roles you may want to distinguish from the others:

friend
supervisor
party or social
hobby

Once you identify all your hats, get into the habit of being intentional about which one you are wearing. Be mindful of the role of each hat and if you find yourself acting outside that role, determine whether or not you should change hats. If the answer is no, then you should change your action or attitude.

Bookmark It