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American Idol

Filed Under: Life, Relationships
Mar.04, 2010

Ok, what is going on with the American Idol judges?

They are all over the place with the feedback they give the contestants. First they say, “change it up, make it your own!” then when the Idol does that, they say, “don’t change it so much, just sing the song! We want to hear your voice.” What? And I swear, if I hear “it wasn’t the right song choice” one more time, I’m going to scream! That is so hypocritical! The point of the competition is to judge the person’s vocal talent and performing abilities – so even if they all sang the same song, the judges should be listening to voice quality and then provide constructive feedback. What makes it so hypocritical is that later in the competition they are going to force the contestants to sing songs outside their genre, style and range – just to get a taste of how well their talent can adapt.

The key word here is constructive feedback. That should be the goal of the American Idol judges at this point in the competition. Instead, they are engaging in very “indulgent” displays of ego and it’s all a bit too “karaoke” for me. Case in point, did you hear Kara (aka, Cougar) bash her boy toy? Presumably due to her embarrassment over making a fool of her lusty self the previous week….wait, then again, I doubt she’s embarrassed…Anyway, after Simon commented that the “hot” contestant had “no grit. More like sand.” Kara interjected – “More like dirt.” Come on, now. Is that your idea of being constructive?

And while I’m on her case – what is up with her hanging all over Simon? Is she really that lacking in character or are the producers orchestrating the scene for better ratings? I’m a little put off by it. When Paula did it – it was sort of excusable because she was just plain weird anyway. (No, I’m not providing constructive feed back.)

What makes feed back constructive rather than destructive? How can we be sure to provide our opinions and requests in such a manner that it does not attack the person’s character but rather focuses only on their behavior? I’m finding that the ability to confront and address issues is something that most people are uncomfortable with – but it doesn’t have to be a difficult task if you follow a few rules of engagement.

First, make sure your emotions are disengaged before offering feedback. If you are angry or feel you might cry – table the subject until your emotions can be controlled. This is particularly important for people like me who have a sharp tongue and tend to be sarcastic. Learn to step outside yourself and observe the situation as a 3rd party before forming your opinion, then wait until you can deliver it without it being adulterated with intense feelings.

Second, do not assume to know anything about the motives behind the behavior you are addressing. “You did that because…….” That will get you into trouble and cause a great deal of destruction to the relationship, especially when you make a habit of it. It’s also a good indication that you have not disengaged your emotions.

Third, use “I – sentences” rather than “You – sentences.” This will help you to focus on the behavior rather than on the character of the person you are addressing. First state the emotion you feel, then identify the behavior, then make your request to change it. For example:

I feel ___(emotion)__________ when you __(behavior)_____. Please __(change)_____.

“I feel rejected when you stay out with your friends late every night. Please spend this evening with me.”

“I feel angry when you talk to me in that tone. Please be more respectful.”

“I get impatient when you take too long getting ready. Please be ready to go at 7:00.”

Take a look at the same sentences delivered in a “You” fashion:

“You just want to be with your friends all the time, instead of me! Why can’t you stay home tonight? Is that too much to ask?”

“[You] Stop talking to me like that! Who do you think you are?”

“You are always late! Why can’t you be on time for a change?”

Fourth, soften the blow with the positive first, then deliver the negative, and end it on a positive. Here’s an example:

“Johnny, I really appreciate how well you are playing outside with your sister. However, it makes me feel angry when you come running in the house with dirty shoes especially since I just cleaned the floor. Please take your shoes off at the door next time. Thank you for bringing me this beautiful weed…I mean flower.”

Lastly, don’t assume that your opinion is the only “right” way. Acknowledge that what you are saying or asking for is your personal preference.

“Honey, I feel frustrated when you have the television volume up so loud. I realize that you like it bursting your eardrums, but can you hear it ok if you turn it down just a bit? Is that blood coming out of your ear?” (See, I’m sarcastic – even when pretending)

Ok, Simon – here’s a good way to tell someone that their horrendous vocals sound like a screeching cat fight:

“I appreciate the fact that you stood in line for hours waiting to try out for American Idol. That shows off your perseverance. However, I feel frustrated that you wasted our time and the time of the others out there who have tremendous talent and actually have a shot at this competition. In my opinion your performance does not demonstrate any extraordinary talent which could make you the next American Idol. Your outfit shows that you are creative; however the street walker image is not what we are looking for. Thank you for coming out today. Good luck in your endeavors.

Nah! Never mind, Simon – Give ‘em hell! It’s what we tune in to see.

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Blue Fridays

Filed Under: Welcome
Mar.04, 2010

Most of you know how I feel about forwarded emails, however, when I got this one I felt I should share it here.

Blue Fridays.

Very soon, you will see a great many people wearing blue every Friday. The reason? Americans who support our troops used to be called the ’silent majority’ We are no longer silent, and are voicing our love for God, country and home in record breaking numbers. We are not organized, boisterous or overbearing.

Many Americans, like you, me and all our friends, simply want to recognize that the vast majority of America supports our troops. Our idea of showing solidarity and support for our troops with dignity and respect starts this Friday — and continues each and every Friday until the troops all come home, sending a deafening message that every red-blooded American who supports our men and women afar, will wear something blue. By word of mouth, press, TV — let’s make the United States on every Friday a sea of blue much like a homecoming football game in the bleachers. If every one of us who loves this country will share this with acquaintances, coworkers, friends, and family, it will not be long before the USA is covered in BLUE and it will let our troops know the once ’silent’ majority is on their side more than ever, certainly more than the media lets on. The first thing a soldier says when asked ‘What can we do to make things better for you?’ is .’We need your support and your prayers.’ Let’s get the word out and lead with class and dignity, by example, and wear something blue every Friday.


First Place
Todd Heisler The Rocky Mountain Newsmarine 1

When 2nd Lt. James Cathey’s body arrived at the Reno Airport , Marines climbed into the cargo hold of the plane and draped the flag over his casket as passengers watched the family gather on the tarmac.

During the arrival of another Marine’s casket last year at Denver International Airport , Major Steve Beck described the scene as so powerful: ‘See the people in the windows? They sat right there in the plane, watching those Marines. You gotta wonder what’s going through their minds, knowing that they’re on the plane that brought him home,’ he said ‘They will remember being on that plane for the rest of their lives. They’re going to remember bringing that Marine home. And they should.’


Second Place
Todd Heisler The Rocky Mountain Newsmarine 2

The night before the burial of her husband’s body, Katherine Cathey refused to leave the casket, asking to sleep next to his body for the last time The Marines made a bed for her, tucking in the sheets below the flag. Before she fell asleep, she opened her laptop computer and played songs that reminded her of ‘Cat,’ and one of the Marines asked if she wanted them to continue standing watch as she slept. ‘I think it would be kind of nice if you kept doing it,’ she said. ‘I think that’s what he would have wanted’

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The Dark Side of Things

Filed Under: Parenting
Mar.02, 2010

Like most people, I made plenty of mistakes raising my three children. Now that they are grown men, they find entertainment in teasing me about some of my weird parenting moves. For example, when the boys were teenagers I had what they thought was a weird rule – they weren’t allowed to talk on the phone in the dark. I know it may sound stupid, but I felt that somehow it was risky business and that nothing should really been done in the dark unless it’s something you are hiding – which, my case in point, you shouldn’t be doing! I had no basis or real logic to back up this crazy rule, but it must have sunk in because they still tease me about it today.

As you can probably tell, I love research. Even though my formal schooling days are well past me, I still engage in research and read up on studies that peak my interest.  I came across an interesting study and although it’s in poor taste, I’m going to engage in a bit of “I told you so” with my boys.

According to research published in an issue of Psychological Science, dim lights can make it seem as if no one is watching, triggering moral transgressions in many people. Hmmm. Interesting. One experiment showed that participants in a dim room cheated more than their counterparts who were in a well lit room.  The study also suggested that even wearing sunglasses can promote a feeling of anonymity and cause participants to act more selfishly. A quick survey at the end of the experiment showed that people in the dim room or wearing sunglasses agreed to statements such as: I was anonymous during the study; my choice went unnoticed during the study. And they were more likely to disagree with: I was watched during the study; and others were paying attention to my behavior during the study.

Just call me Dr. Mom.  Ok, enough of the bantering with the boys.

Here’s my point – we put in a lot of effort to quiet our conscience and it seems that many people confuse the role of the conscience with the punishment of feeling guilty. I believe the conscience was God’s gift of an internal light so that we will be more apt to choose to do right. Just like the students in the well lit rooms who played the games fairly and chose not to cheat, our conscience provides us with the safety of light. However, guilt does not play a role with the conscience.

Guilt is produced out of fear and it seems that Christianity has made guilt a cornerstone of its belief system. As parents we do this too – we instill fear into our children in an effort to motivate them to chose to do the right thing and behave according to our standards. However, guilt, fear, punishment, and shame are all forms of darkness. As the study shows, darkness promotes moral transgressions.

In contrast, our conscience is light and its purpose is to illuminate and comfort. If you chose to do something immoral and you feel ashamed or guilty about it – it’s not your conscience that makes you feel that way – it’s your fear of punishment or getting caught that makes you feel those emotions. When your conscience is working properly, and you transgress against it, it will produce a feeling of remorse which is based on love not fear. The love you feel for the truth (the light) causes you to right your wrong and restore fellowship with it.

Instead of understanding the difference between guilt and remorse, people tend to push out the light in order to alleviate their guilt.  We do this by exposing more and more darkness to the light, eventually covering it completely with darkness. This is effective – for a while. We finally silence the voice showing us the way but we end up in a dark and lonely room – longing for the light.

This got a little more philosophical than I had intended – I really wanted to just say, “See boys, I told you! Don’t talk on the phone in the dark!”

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Are Christians still mean?

Filed Under: Religion
Mar.01, 2010

Several months ago I wrote a post about Google Suggest.  That’s where you begin typing in a search term and Google drops down a menu of probable terms you may be looking for based on the popularity of searches on that topic. In my post I mentioned that if you type in the words, “Why are Christians” you will get a list that isn’t too flattering to that group of people.  Go ahead and try it. Then just for fun, try typing in “why is my” and look at the results – that’s pretty funny!

Anyway, my point is that since publishing that post, it has consistently been one of my most frequently read articles, just under the post about the pig breast cancer flu which has has close to 5,000 unique readers – cool!  But hands down, the most traffic this site receives is from people searching the internet regarding the behavior of Christians – “why are Christians so mean,” “why are Christians so rude,” “why do Christians think they are the only ones who are right,” and the list goes on and on. Although I’m very happy about getting the traffic – it breaks my heart that Christians have such a terrible reputation.

Despite the traffic opportunity, I haven’t touched the subject since that time, because quite honestly, I don’t know what to say about it. I wonder the same things. I’ve been terribly hurt by Christians yet through it all, I’ve never blamed God for how his people behave. I guess that’s because I know Him. At least I know him as well as any mere mortal can. I don’t think He is anything like the people who are representing him. No, I KNOW He’s not like that. However, I can see how those who don’t know Him may get the impression that He is a vengeful, backstabbing, jerk because of the way “His” people act. This morning I ran across a web site that makes my point for me.

I stumbled upon a site that showed National Geographic’s photos of the year. The pictures are awesome, of course. But what got my attention were the comments left behind by the site’s readers.  First, here’s a copy of some of the pictures:

turtlemonkeys coldpolar bearmoosepinguines

These are just a few – you can see all the National Geographic pics on their site.

What did you think when you saw those pictures?  My thoughts were simple:  aaawwwww! How cute!

Take a look at the comments left by the readers of the site I found the pics:

chris (guest)
2/28/2010 3:53:20 AM
To that guy who thinks there is a God: you remember you believed that when you die and decompose in the ground and you realize you set your life up as lie. Only problem is you won't be able to remember shit because your brain will be tomorrow's topsoil.
dixiejet (guest)
2/27/2010 10:17:27 PM
To that guy who thinks there is no God: "only GOD can make scenes such as these for us to enjoy" and you remember you said that when you are standing in front of Him begging for Him to have mercy on your soul.
bob (guest)
2/27/2010 9:51:39 PM
Wow, all these great pictures, then some jackass has to throw in God.  Now I'm just sick.

Some people really don’t like God, huh? He really gets a bad wrap and it’s sad that we can’t just enjoy beautiful scenes without cutting some throat, especially God’s.  I can’t help but agree with the Googler’s who want to know why Christians are so mean. They are the representation of God’s character.  I’m pretty sure God has also Googled the same question. And by the way, most of these beautiful pictures show animals interacting in a loving way toward one another – perhaps that’s why God created them first – to give us an example of how to treat one another.

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Recurring thoughts, recurring thoughts, recurring thoughts,

Filed Under: law of attraction
Feb.27, 2010

I’ve written quite a bit about the importance of choosing correct, truthful, and positive thoughts rather than what most people normally allow to run through their head. But it’s much more than simply suppressing the unwanted thoughts and replacing them with good ones. In fact, doing so may do more harm than good. Mental health researchers learned in 1987 about the rebound affect we experience when we try to suppress our thoughts. In a study (Wegner et al., 1987) Daniel Wegner and his associates instructed a group of volunteers to NOT think about a white bear and whenever the thought crossed their mind to ring a bell.  They found that the participants who were asked to not think about the bear rang the bell twice as much as those who were not trying to suppress the thought.

Now that’s interesting, huh? Thought rebound not only explains why some of us have difficulty remaining positive, it also sheds light on some of our other problems as well. Further studies were conducted regarding the power of thought rebound which revealed that when thoughts have emotions attached to them, they are even more prone to the rebound affect. This is why it’s often hard to forgive someone who’s wronged you since the thought of the offense is laden with strong emotions. The more you think about the offense, the more you feel those hurt emotions and therefore find it difficult to forgive the offender and move on with your life. This is also true with trauma we experience. Many people who experience natural disasters, car crashes, or have been the victim of a crime, may find it particularly difficult to not think about what happened. The biggest challenge we have with thought rebound is that often, particularly if the thought is laden with strong emotion,  when the though returns, it brings even stronger emotions with it.

Trauma or emotional thoughts aren’t the only cases where rebound gets us into trouble. People who are on a diet or trying to quit smoking will find it much more difficult to control their behavior if they are attempting to suppress thoughts about eating or smoking. Researchers found that those who attempt to suppress their thoughts in these cases end up experiencing even stronger cravings for whatever they are trying to forget about (in my case, sugar). In the case of negative thinking, people who attempt to suppress all their negativity tend to spiral down, particularly if they are experiencing some level of depression. And those intrusive memories we get about an emotional event will often become more emotionally charged and cause our memories to rearrange the order of events and often emphasis certain parts of the memory which were particularly disturbing to us.

Doesn’t it seem that our minds are on a different team? We want to quit smoking, lose weight, be positive, and even quit singing the lyrics to that stupid song – but our minds wont cooperate! The harder we try to impose our will to not think a certain thought, the harder our mind works to think it. So what are we to do?

What I’m about to say is the same advice I would give to someone parenting a strong willed child. Sometimes stopping a particular thought is as simple as distracting your mind in another activity. (This works great with young children) Many times, when a song gets stuck in my head, I purposely think of another song and replace it. Do a puzzle, watch a movie, read a book, do anything that requires your brain to engage in thought.  When you are fighting a very emotionally charged thought about a trauma or a memory of something unpleasant one of the best distractions is to talk to someone else who needs encouragement. Getting your mind off yourself is a great way to not think about whatever is bothering you.  When you are using distraction as a technique to stop a thought, it’s important to not judge the thought or yourself for thinking it. Instead, pay it no mind at all. The more you place value on the thought, the harder it will be to distract yourself from thinking it. When that happens, the distraction simply becomes a form of suppression.

The next technique is something I demonstrated in a previous post – allow the thought but set limits on it. I was having a negative thought and the accompanying negative emotions so I set the timer on the stove and decided to indulge in the feeling for a limited amount of time. It worked itself out and I felt much better by the time the timer sounded. Again, this is a lot like parenting – sometimes when your child is indulging in strong emotional outbursts, you can help validate their feelings by allowing them to express their emotions with limits. You can tell your child that you understand they are angry but they need to go outside if they feel like screaming.

Another technique that has worked for me is to allow the thought, memory, or emotion to play out. This almost always works when I’m trying to get rid of that song in my head. Often I don’t remember all the words, so I will look it up and sing the entire song all the way through and like magic, it stops the music in my head. Many people will find talking to a therapist, a life coach, or even a friend with good listening skills to work in the same way. If you have an obtrusive thought, engage it and explore it. Find out what the underlying concern may be. Sometimes your mind is forcing you to recall something that happened because of the fear that it may happen again. If that’s the case, taking steps to assure yourself that you are safe may alleviate the problem.

If you can’t talk to someone, try interviewing yourself.  Simply pretend you are a news anchor and are reporting a story about whatever your mind is obsessing about. Ask the types of questions you would likely hear a reporter asking. Even the stupid questions – then answer them. You will be amazed at the amount of insight you can get from yourself.  Of course, if you find this difficult – don’t hesitate to find a counselor or life coach!

With a bit of practice or with the help of others, you can overcome those recurring negative thoughts, stop smoking, lose weight, and forgive the jerks who hurt you! You can even stop singing that 80’s song!

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